


A Long Winter

by hellowitsme123



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Emotional, F/M, Feelings, Gen, PTSD, Slow Burn, i'm trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 02:28:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20107678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellowitsme123/pseuds/hellowitsme123
Summary: Arya struggles with her past and the darkness inside of her. Can her dear brother help her find comfort?





	A Long Winter

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoy. I do not own GOT or any of its characters. This is strictly for fun. If you are triggered by dark feelings or PTSD please do not read.

It was something that Arya Stark cared not to speak of. 

Her mind and body liked to bury down the pain and suffering she had endured while being away for so long. What happened to her in Kings Landing, Harrenhal, Bravos and the rest was part of her armor. She did not like to think of it as a weakness but as a strength. 

When she returned to Winterfell with Nymeria and her pack, it had taken her time to adjust. It wasn’t that she didn’t like being home, or that she didn’t like being around people, it was that being home brought up painful memories.

She could hear the echoes of Robb’s laughter. See her mother and Sansa sewing dresses and braiding their hair together. She could see her father’s smile as he watched her hit the bullseye and chase an abled Bran across the courtyard. Little Rickon was there too, his little baby laugh sending her lady mother into a fit of smiles and joy. 

Then there was Jon. Her favorite brother. Her best friend and confidant. Arya’s fingers griped Needles pommel at the thought of him. Jon had been her lifeline while she’d been away. Thinking of him and knowing that he’d still want her know matter what terrible things she’d done had kept her mind sane. The day she came to Winterfell with her pack of wolves to battle the Bolton’s and take back their home was a day she’d never forget. 

Jon had thought she was in the hands of the Bolton’s, but instead she’d shown up like some warrior queen on the back of a wolf to save the day from ruin. 

After the battle was won, and Arya had torn Bolton’s face clear from his skin, Jon found her. Her face was spattered with blood and sweat, her clothes torn and hair shorter than his. Needle dripped with the blood of their enemies and a pile of bodies surrounded her. He had stared at her, shocked and confused before she took a step toward him. 

_ “Is that you, little sister?” He said as if his eyes played tricks on him. _

_“Jon,” she said breathlessly. _

_He stared at her for a few moments, unsure of what to do. _

_“For years I thought you dead. Then Ramsey claimed to have you and…” he trailed off as he took a step closer to her, searching her face for answers. _

_“He never had me.” _

_“Where have you been all this time?”_

_“That is a story for another time. Too long is it to tell you now, and there is much work to be done.” _

_The silence built and the world seemed to fade around them. Grey eyes met grey eyes. He looked so much like their father it hurt. He was beautiful. A man almost fully grown. Arya looked down at her hands and then back up to her brother who was now inches from her face. _

_“I missed you,” they both said at the same time. Arya laughed and Jon echoed it before he took her in his arms. His embrace was strong and suffocating but Arya did not care. She was home. ___

_ _After that it was all work and war for many moons. Jon tried to spend time with his little sister, but life would not allow it. Soon, her brother left for Dragonstone and eventually returned with a Southern Queen to fight the Other’s with their banners and a pack of wolves. _ _

_ _Arya spent her days while he was gone reacquainting herself with Wintertown and training every man, woman and child who could wield a sword. She’d taken a liking to lady Lyanna, who reminded her so much of the person she thought she would once become. The Lady was smart and fierce, an ally that Arya was proud to have._ _

_ _At night she would toss and turn, unable to sleep when the world was quiet. She was used to falling asleep to the noisy streets of Bravos and the wild moans of beautiful courtesans. In a way she missed the city smells and the taste of the salty sea in the air. She knew her siblings would never understand her yearning for freedom, just as they would never understand her yearning to belong. Only Jon understood, but now he was a leader and a man grown. He didn’t have time to soothe his little sisters worries like he once had. Now it was too inappropriate for her to crawl into his bed and hug him close when horrible images played in her head. _ _

_ _She wished her father was here so she could ask him how he handled it. How he rested his head at night and still woke up in the morning with intentions of honor and the willingness to live. _ _

_ _This was impossible though, so she settled for the dark dampness of the crypts or the open air of the Godswood to ease her troubled mind. _ _

_ _This is where she found herself now, in the middle of a dead winter’s night, under a canopy of stars and red leaves. Her body is cold, but she doesn’t feel it. It happens sometimes, an emptiness that creeps in and makes her feel like the God of Death took her after all. When she feels like this she doesn’t want to smile or interact with anyone but Nymeria. She doesn’t eat meals or partake in wine, instead she sleeps, trains and stares at the stars until the feeling lifts again and she might be okay. _ _

_ _Arya lies back on the freshly fallen snow, offering herself to the old gods like a dark sacrifice. As she breaths in and out, she lets her tears fall as she mourns the loss of summer girl who had birds nest hair and scraped knees. A girl who wanted nothing more than to roam free like a wolf and enjoy what the earth had to offer. That girl died when she murdered her stone-hearted 'mother'. When she took on the many faces of Cat, Beth, Mercy and the rest. She wondered if becoming No One had made her lose her soul, and if she would always feel so empty inside. What kind of life would that be? To feel so cold that even winter cannot chill you. _ _

_ _Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of his boots crunching on the snow, and his uneasy breathing echoing off the silent Godswood grounds. _ _

_ _Arya brushes her tears away and squeezes her eyes shut, waiting for him to notice her dark form on the ground. _ _

_ _“Arya?” Jon asks, coming to stand over her. _ _

_ _She opens her eyes and is met by his worried grey orbs. _ _

_ _“What are you doing out here at this time of night, little sister?”_ _

_ _“I could ask the same of you, brother.” _ _

_ _He smiles sadly before taking his place next to her. Laying down so that their bodies are aligned together. _ _

_ _“Seven hells, Arya. You’re freezing!” He cries. _ _

_ _“I do not feel it,” she answers in almost a monotone way. _ _

_ _Jon’s body stiffens as he sits, looking down at his beloved sister. _ _

_ _“Are you well?”_ _

_ _“Aye.” _ _

_ _Arya wishes she had more words for him, but her mind will not allow it. She just wants peace of mind and a bit of rest. _ _

_ _Jon lays back down and drags her in close to his warmth. It’s only then that her body seems to realize how cold it has become, and she shivers violently. _ _

_ _“We should get you inside, have the Maester take a look at you.” _ _

_ _“I am not sick, Jon,” she mangers out. “Just colder than I thought.” _ _

_ _Jon wraps his cloak around her small form, letting her head bury into his chest as he rests his chin upon her crown. _ _

_ _“We should go to my solar. I’ll have some broth brought up. I can feel your bones, little sister. I can tell something is wrong.”_ _

_ _Arya doesn’t answer, instead she draws warmth from Jon, inhaling his scent of sweat and musk. She missed his smell while she was away, but even being near him now does not bring her comfort. She fears that when she’s like this, lost in her thoughts and empty inside no comfort will ever come. _ _

_ _Jon grips her, kissing her crown. She can feel his fear for her and knows that he so desperately wants to sooth her. She wishes she could ease his fears, for she understands that Jon has been through much too. He died and came back to life. He spent years at and beyond the wall yet lived to tell the tale. Her bastard brother, the one she loved so much did not deserve the life he had lived. He was too good, she thought. Too much like their father Ned Stark. That worried her the most. That he would lose his head one day for his honor or loyalty. She could only pray to the gods that he would never make the same mistakes Ned Stark did. _ _

_ _“I missed you, little sister,” he whispered, after a while. “I thought of you often while I was in Dragonstone. I think you would have liked it there.” _ _

_ _Arya pulls her head from his chest and finds his eyes on her. She can see his concern for her there but also something akin to understanding. _ _

_ _“You gave up your crown,” Arya states. _ _

_ _She feels Jon stiffen as he looks up at the stars. _ _

_ _“It needed to be done. We need her dragons and army if we want to defeat the Others.” _ _

_ _“I know why you did it, Jon. I respect it. I do not mean to question your motives. Sansa will come to understand in time.” _ _

_ _“She still does not like me very much.” _ _

_ _“She has lived a different life than us, brother. However, she has her own ghosts and demons to battle.” _ _

_ _Jon nodded and was silent for a moment before speaking again. “I am sorry we have not had much time together since you returned. We never spoke about what happened all those years you were away.”_ _

_ _“There is not much we need speak of.” _ _

_ _“Arya…”_ _

_ _“Please Jon, let me take solace in the silence. I dream too often of all that was and all that cannot be. I hear the voices of those we loved and lost. You understand this pain, for I know we share the same darkness inside of us. We need not speak of it.” _ _

_ _Tears prick Arya’s eyes then and she damns her weakness in that moment. Always quick to tears she was and being a young woman of eight and ten had only made it worse. She stands quickly, unraveling herself from Jon’s cloak and wiping the salty water from her cheeks in haste. _ _

_ _“I should go back to my chambers.” _ _

_ _Jon stands easily and blocks her way. “Arya, please. Do not hide from me.” _ _

_ _“I am not hiding, Jon. I do not know what else to say to you. I am not the little girl you left behind in Winterfell all those years ago.” _ _

_ _“I know that. I have eyes, you know.” _ _

_ _Arya flushes at the implication. She knows what Jon thinks of her now that she is a woman grown. She has similar thoughts of him in the dead of night when her demons come to play. Though her imaginings are impure and not something she should allow herself to delight in, sometimes she cannot help it. But it could never be, and Arya knows they must not tempt fate. _ _

_ _“Jon…” _ _

_ _He steps forward and takes her hands in his, kissing her knuckles as if she were his Queen. “Tell me why you came out here and tried to freeze yourself to death, little sister. We may have spent years apart but let me ease your pain. At least let me try.” _ _

_ _“You know just as well as I that these ghosts we have will haunt us until our death. Discussing them will not ease my emptiness.” _ _

_ _“Is that what you feel, Arya?” _ _

_ _Anger flashes across her face and she crosses her arms in defiance. “Why do you insist on pestering me so?” _ _

_ _“Because I care for you. I know this emptiness. I know it eats away inside until there is nothing left. But we once helped each other keep the darkness at bay, let us do it again so we do not get lost in it, little sister.” _ _

_ _“You make it sound simple.” _ _

_ _“Don’t be stupid.” _ _

_ _“Jon…”_ _

_ _“These things we have been through, they are part of us, little sister. But that is all they have to be. Part of us.” _ _

_ _“Did your travels to Dragonstone turn you into a bleeding poet?” Arya smirked a little. _ _

_ _Jon, catching her smile, immediately relaxed. _ _

_ _“I will never be a poet. You know I am terrible with words.” _ _

_ _Jon takes a step forward and cups her cold red cheek._ _

_ _“The things I have done, Jon. The things I have seen…”_ _

_ _“Whatever happened, little sister, whatever you had to do, it kept you alive. You are home now and that is what is important.” _ _

_ _“No Jon!” She yelled suddenly, causing him to flinch. “I… the things I have done. You saw what I did to that bastard Ramsey and you go about like you saw nothing. I am no longer that girl you know. I am a killer. A she-wolf.” _ _

_ _Jon reached for her again, but she swatted his hands away. “Do not try to make this better for me. You can't.” _ _

_ _“Arya please. Let me help you.” _ _

_ _“You can’t, Jon. You can’t this time,” she cried, tears falling against her cheeks once more. _ _

_ _Jon reached for her again, grabbing her cheeks and brushing her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. _ _

_ _“Look at me, Arya,” he says with such reverence she had no choice but to look into his worried eyes. _ _

_ _“I know what if feels like to be more wolf than man. I know what it feels like to watch men die by your hand. I know this emptiness you feel and the coldness you seek. If you let me in, Arya you might be surprised at how much we still are alike. I could offer you some comfort, little sister. Please let me try.” _ _

_ _Arya felt herself crumbling at the love she saw etched into his features. She had been gone so long she had forgotten what it was like to have someone want her. Have someone care about her more than just for what service she could provide them. She had worn so many faces she had forgotten what it was like to be a Stark. To be loved. _ _

_ _“Jon, I…” she said before crumbling. _ _

_ _Jon quickly wrapped his arms around her and placed his hand on the back of her head. With his warmth surrounding her and his lips upon her crown, Arya cried. Her body shook with sobs as her fingernails clawed at her brothers back like a starved wolf. _ _

_ _“You are safe, Arya. You will never face the horrors of this world without me again. I promise.” _ _

_ _Arya buries her face deeper into his furs, knowing that his words could only bring temporary comfort to her weary soul. She wanted to believe him, but this world was too ugly, too violent to not try and tear them a part time and time again. _ _

_ _“You worry too much, little sister,” he whispers, as if he can read her thoughts. “Do not worry about the future. We will walk through each day together from now on. Wherever you go, I'll be beside you now. ” _ _

_ _Arya lifts up her head, her cheeks red and eyes puffy from tears. _ _

_ _“Do you promise, Jon? For true?”_ _

_ _“For true, little sister. I will never leave you again. At least not willingly.” _ _

_ _Arya rests her head against his chest once more, listening to his heartbeat against her ear. She knew that their biggest battles were yet to come, and that her battle with darkness would never truly end. However, with Jon by her side, it somehow felt like the ice in her heart began to melt just slightly. And maybe, just maybe, they would see Spring come to Westeros once more._ _


End file.
